A few humorous things I have picked up over the last few years Useless but entertaining
An elderly Butler is having problems remembering things, so he decides to go to the doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with him.
When he arrives at the doctors he explains about the problems he is having with his memory. After checking him out, the doctor tells him that he is physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help him remember things. The Butler thanks the doctor and returns home. Later that night while laying the table for dinner, His elderly Employer Lord Ofdeerings calls the butler with a request.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
The butler replies, "yes My Lord."
His Lordship then asks, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
Butler, "No, I can remember that."
His Lordship, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
Butler, "I can remember that My Lord, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
His Lordship, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, the Butler replies, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands his employer a plate of bacon and eggs. His Lordship stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
From the Domestic Herald:
Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."
From A word in your eye.
Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After much searching, they found the perfect one.
One day, they instructed the butler to set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohen's, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day.
When they returned that evening, they found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four, the butler replied: "The Cohen's called and said that they were bringing the Bagels."
James the butler had a tremendous command of English but had trouble with French phraseology, one such was the phrase Faux Pas so he decided to ask his Lordship for an analogy.
"Why of course James," His Lordship replied "You remember the other week when the Bishop and Lady Soames came to dinner and prior to dinner they were both walking in the garden and the Bishop pricked his finger on one of the rose bushes? Then at dinner whilst you were serving , Lady Soames remarked to the Bishop "how is your prick?" and he said "throbbing" you said "S**t!" and dropped the peas. That was a Faux Pas!!"
From planet mike.com
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the Wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress". "Now take off my bra."
"Next remove my shoes and stockings."
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".
From modern butlers.com
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speakers' circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
One night, as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his Butler (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
"I have an idea, boss," his Butler said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner,
Einstein donned the Butler's black jacket and striped pants and sat in the back of the room. The Butler gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the Butler fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my Butler, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."